Cyborg_Man's Xanga

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 01:57:53 GMT

I've never posted a YouTube before, so I'll share a few of my favorites. Everyone else is doing it, I just want to be popular.

I'm sure most of you have already seen some of these.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 01:42:27 GMT

Larger penis, less time shopping. How to shop like a man.

There's going to be a lot of shopping done in the coming holiday season, which prompts me to suggest a return to fuldamentals. Men shop different from women. But in today's metrosexual world, men forget the basics of being men, and the unwritten rules of manliness have to be written. That's why I write them down myself, that's why I have this site. That's why I pound away at this keyboard, typing from my mind, heart, and mostly with the consultation of my boner.

Men don't like to shop. Men love having things, but the process of obtaining them is taboo. The bottom line is, men want to spend as little time shopping as possible. Men rush into the store and get out of there with what they want wasting little time. Male shopping can only be likened to a commando mission. Get in, complete objective, get the hell out.

Here are some techniques that can help speed up your shopping so you can spend as little time in a store as possible.

1. Shopping lists

The rule for men and shopping lists is simple: There are no shopping lists. Men don't clip coupons. They don't write lists. They don't read catalogues and compare prices. Men make mental notes of what they need. That's all we have to do.

When men have some free time and grudgingly decide to do some shopping, they recall as many items that they've made a mental note of and plan out the shopping day in their heads.

The female method is clearly inferior, with plenty of time wasted writing out lists and carefully planning out the day, clipping coupons and studying. Why do that when you can instead spend a few hours trying to find that missing 0.1% of Dracula's castle you haven't found in the newest Castlevania?

2. Know your layout

Store layouts are designed by marketing teams that obscure what what you truly need with crap that you're systematically tricked into wanting. Higher-profit items are placed in plain sight by an understandably profit-minded store. In spite of this, most department stores have a layout with a similar logic (example: mens, womens, and childrens clothing are typically in the same general area of the store).

A good trick is to note the size of the store as you approach. This should give you a good idea of the store's layout logic. A small outlet store should be easy to navigate. Multi-level department stores may seem intimidating, but typically there are things like televisions, electronics, tools and garden supplies on one floor, and clothing and housewares on another. Just walking in the door, you should immediately have an idea whether what you seek is on your floor, or whether it's time to make a beeline for the escalator, wasting little time.

TIP: The escalator is always preferable to the elevator. The elevator almost always requires you to waste time waiting. Time in transit is preferable to time spent standing still. Undoubtedly, there's something theraputic about watching the scenery change than to just wait for a ride. Also, depending on who else is on the escalator (to get in your way), you can power-walk up or down the escalator, speeding up the transition between floors. Come to think of it, you should always be speed-walking. Poking around is for pussies.

3. Try nothing on.

Nothing. Don't try on clothes, don't bother with the dressing room. You should already know your sizes and measurements. Just get in, get something that matches your tastes and is in your size, pay up, and get out.

If you must know whether an item will fit you, just hold the article of clothing against yourself, unfolded. This simple technique is a lifesaver, and more importantly, a time saver.

You're probably asking, "Then why do men's dressing rooms exist?" In which case, you can give yourself a dumbass award for not figuring it out yourself. If you happen to be a dumbass, I'll spell it out. It's all because of feminists. Feminists are the ultimate contradiction. They want you to feel sorry for them because they were born women, but the moment you give them what they ask for (in this case, a dressing room), they accuse you of being cheauvenist. You just can't make a feminist happy because they love being angry at the phallo-centric patriarchy, so the only thing you can do is pacify them. In this case, it involves installing men's dressing rooms that go completely unused (in an ideal world). The fallacy of the feminist movement is that it demands differential treatment while refusing to allow a man to hold a door open for them. In other words, they want to be treated like women, but they don't want to be treated like women. End result: Women's dressing rooms are installed, and men's dressing rooms are also installed so that they don't feel like they're treated different (even though that's what they ask for).

Feminism should be fought with full-scale war. Appeasement only puts off the inevitable while giving the enemy the advantage it wants. The world has been put on notice.

4. Waste no time paying up

Only speedy methods of payment are preferable. Cash and credit cards do. Checks are for losers. It takes way too much time to write them up, and it takes more time to process them. Even worse, many banks charge a fee for excessive use of checks. Long story short, there's no good reason to pay with checks, especially when credit and debit cards are more convenient and easier to use. Even cash is preferable, it's good everywhere.

Also, if you don't know how to use your credit card with a checkstand, you shouldn't be allowed to shop. You're probably too old anyway.

5. Get the fuck out

More time spent in the store is more time to potentially spend more of your money. Studies show that men like holding onto money, and can show symptoms similar to depression when large amounts of his money disappear at once. This is why suicide rates are so high during the holidays. Women appear immune to this phenomenon, evidenced by their tendency to shop in excess. Though in all fairness, the money they spend is almost never their own.

Men love money, and they love stockpiling money. Money is power. Money is security. He who has more money, has more security. Be a serious asshole when it comes to money. You'll be happier for it.

I'm done with this. Go fuck yourselves.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 23:35:23 GMT

The real reason Sony wanted LikSang closed

I'm sure a lot of you have already read Maddox's latest page, detailing in a very brief summary why Sony is ass. Not nice ass, but the hairy ass with zits and dingleberries. If you don't know who Maddox is, your existence has been meaningless until now. He's the author of The Best Page in the Universe, and the guy whose style I emulate to a degree when writing this page, though the opinions are still mine (I'm still being myself, so don't get your hopes up that you can save me). Here is his article on Sony.

Maddox hardly needs my help ripping a soulless corporate entity a new one, but I can go into a bit more detail on the issue.

I remember specifically the closing of LikSang, whose page I visited the day it was closed. It didn't matter to me as much as someone I knew who was expecting a package from them. Isn't that tough nuggets? Maddox said that the reason why the page was shut down was because of lawsuits threatening it for selling Japanese PSP units to gamers in Europe.

On LikSang that day was a list of their top 20 best selling products. Every single product on that list was a Nintendo DS game or Nintendo DS accessory. Well, what do you know? A hint of a monopolistic Sony not willing to let go of it's majority of the gaming market.

In case you've been living under a rock, Nintendo DS is the handheld gaming system that is currently beating the pants off Sony's PSP, especially over in Japan, where DS far outsells everything else. I'm hoping that Nintendo's Wii continues the trend, because I'm just as sick of Sony's bullshit as Maddox.

I'm sick of Sony tacking meaningless features onto their game systems. I'm sick of the proprietary formats, such as Blu-ray. What the hell is Blu-ray? Blu-ray is some kind of new DVD that doesn't work on standard DVD players, as people have found out the hard way. In other words, it's Betamax all over again. And I'm sick of all the same old crap. It's games that make the game system, and Sony has been relying on third parties to sell systems since PS1 first appeared. Sony has no creativity, they prove this with every game they make, and each identical system they make embodies their testament to mediocrity.

In spite of all this, Sony's fans still blindly support them. If any of those assholes who can't tell the difference between a DVD and a UMD (Useless Media Disk) are reading this, I want them to know that you're not doing Sony any favors. Sony has been losing money for each PSP unit sold, and it's going to be the same for PS3. Sony is hoping to make back the money through profits on games, but that's not going to work too well. To buy games, gamers need to have money, and gamers who buy PSP and PS3 won't have any money because they're both too fucking expensive.

Sony is shit.

EDIT: Sony is losing $306.85 for each PS3 system sold. source

Monday, November 06, 2006

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 19:32:08 GMT

Stay the hell out.

Today when I opened the morning paper, I found something that reminded me why I was angry at the world. No, not that the Boogyman was sentenced to hang. That was fucking awesome. I'm talking about some blubberfest that was the first in a series following an illegal immigrant's journey into a country he doesn't deserve to live in (mine). This brings some questions immediately to mind:

1. Why did this man have to resort to immigrating illegally, unlike 3 of his siblings, who became legal U.S. residents through proper channels?

2. It is a dark day when a newpaper publishes a series glorifying people who break the law, isn't it?

3. Will I meet this ass clown at my local Taco Bell?

Why did this man want to live in America so bad? There are a multitude of reasons to do so, the most prominent of which being that Mexico is obviously a hell-hole. Now, take a moment to brace yourself before continuing on to the next sentence, be mindful of the location of the nearest first-aid kit if you need to. He wants to live in America because he's in debt. I'm not joking. He's in for a rude awakening.

Today's article was only the first in a series, in which the protagonist left his wife and kids behind to be escorted by a smuggler. Because I'm impatient, I couldn't wait for part two and I decided to look up the rest of the story. This is a summary of what I found:

Our hero was then crammed into a box where he had nothing to live on but his own defecation for 5 days. When the box was finally opened, it was by a drug task-force who shot his friend in the face. He was then stripped down by police officers and beaten by George Bush and Dick Cheney while being threatened by canine units. He was then sent back down to Mexico with a yellow "I phailed" sticker slapped on his forehead. After the bus dropped him off, he came right back across the border because he wanted more of the sodomy. He was later found voting "democrat" in the state of Texas. Big mistake. He is currently stuck in Iraq.

I can't remember how much of that I made up. It might be all of it. I don't care.

Because I'll inevitably be called a "racist" by coffee-sipping hand-wringers who didn't read enough of this rant to determine that nowhere in this entry did I say that I hated Mexicans, I want to make this point obvious: I don't hate immigrants or Mexicans. Immigration is great. I love immigration because it was one of the blessed sequences of events that lead up to me being born in a country that isn't a shithole without hot running water, lots of food, and high-speed internet. Rather, I hate illegal immigration. If you have to sneak into any place, it's because there is a reason you don't belong there, and you know that reason perfectly well.

Stay the hell out.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 18:43:59 GMT

Fuck zombies.

There's nothing scary about zombies. Zombies suck. If zombies are so great, who have they ever killed? Nobody. You never hear about them in the news. They're just pointless.

How can a person get killed by a zombie, anyway? I can't see it happening. They slowly hobble their way up to you, then they try to bite you? Only pussies bite people.

Why are zombies everywhere? Like in Resident Evil, they're almost the only bad guy in the whole game. And the only reason a zombie can kill the main guy is because he's just as slow. Even when you have them run, you can't get away because they handle like remote-control cars. Except they suck. Everyone loves Resident Evil, but it's a piece of shit. When Resident Evil 4 was released, everyone treated it like it were made by the Almighty, because they finally made one with decent gameplay mechanics. Too bad no one stops playing long enough to notice that it controls just like any other 3D game, and only just caught up to other games with a similar engine. Too bad it's no better than Blinx or Jak and Daxter.

Oh yeah, zombies. Fuck zombies. Thinking they're all fucking sweet because they're defying the laws of nature and being undead like their shit don't stink. Too bad for them that being undead makes their shit stink a hell of a lot worse. And brains can't be too good for their regularity.

Zombies are so easy to kill, a child could do it. I kill zombies in my sleep. Just by turning over, I murder a zombie with my morning wood. Think about how easy it is to kill a zombie when you're awake.

Let's stop making movies with zombies. They've been done to death. Same goes for video games. Zombies suck ass. No more zombies.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 23:01:05 GMT

It's your fault you're such a fatass.

As glad as I am that someone is willing to punch McDonalds in the nuts, I couldn't be more sickened the amount of sheer bullshit that's going into their effort.

This article is in response to the decision by Judge Robert Sweet to allow a case against McDonalds filed on behalf of two girls who claim that McDonalds made them fat. For those who can't see past bullshit, I'll clarify: Two girls are suing McDonalds because McDonalds's food made them fat.

If I were the judge, I would have thrown out the case and thrown out the fatasses with a catapult. Don't get me wrong, I'm not siding with McDonalds at all. I hate them, their loosely-labeled "food", and the zombies that get in line day after day to stuff their guts with that shit after being sneered away by either a pimply-faced pubescent loser or an old, balding fossil with kidney problems, either one not wanting to be there as they silently weep for their misfortune and wondering at which exact point their lives went wrong. And to work at McDonalds, their life didn't go wrong at an exact point. It was a sequence of collectively damned events strung together, culminating in their current miserable existence emptying grease traps for minimum wage in a squat, smelly fast food restaurant next to a classy office building inhabited by lawyers and engineers who made the right career choices and go to homes that don't have wheels and wives that gladly put out and make them steaks. Similtaneously.

The girls filing this suit somehow avoided the common knowledge that McDonalds food is fattening. They also avoided the big fucking red flag of becoming fatter as they continued to supplement their own disease. And it wasn't until after becoming big flesh-colored whales that they finally decide that it's time to sue.

Yes people, McDonalds food is fattening. Everyone knows that. But don't fool yourselves into thinking that McDonalds made you fat by making it. You made yourselves fat by buying it. You kept making yourselves fat by continuing to eat McDonalds food after the consequences made themselves self-evident.

The reason you're fat isn't because McDonalds somehow invaded your home and crammed your gullet full of their shit. You got in line and willingly paid for it. You paid for the McDonalds food, you paid to get fat. Keep the blame where it belongs, which is right on you.

And to everyone else, stop eating at McDonalds. Never go there again. And castrate those who do.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 22:59:22 GMT

Five reasons not to see "The Covenant"

Today I'm going to preview The Covenant, coming to theaters, as a pre-emptive strike. I haven't seen the movie, nor do I need to. I know it's going to suck noodles. Sometimes, you can tell.

1. It's for assholes.

Look at the logo for The Covenant.

The big, bad pentagram. Look at who it stars. A couple kids barely past puberty. Look at it's themes. It's about secret magical powers. Isn't it obvious? This movie doesn't have to be any good for it's sales to soar through word-of-mouth. This movie is made for conflicted teenagers who love stupid bullshit like H.I.M. and Nine Inch Nails, and dress up like vampires to express the darkness in their souls and how, at the age of 15, they can hardly bear the pain of life.

Now that we've established that The Covenant is for impressionable assholes, let's move on.

2. The advertising budget is almost the size of my dick.

More than a month before the premiere of the movie, we were seeing ads everywhere, as the promoters do as promoters do best: make damn sure that every lifeless flaccid loser understands that a movie called The Covenant exists.

And fuck, do I know it exists.

When I'm in the middle of doing something and an annoying pop up gets in the way of text I want to read or a link I want to click, I'm going to remember the name of the product and make damn sure it gets boycotted, just as the product deserves for making the internet a living hell.

When a company spends so much of it's budget on advertising, it's an obvious attempt to get as many gullible idiots to pay $5 and waste 2 hours of their lives. This is what advertising is supposed to do, right? But when an advertising budget is as mercilessly bloated as The Covenant is, wouldn't it come at the expense of the product itself?

3. Sounds like something I've already seen on the WB.

"Four young men who belong to a supernatural legacy are charged with stopping the evil force they released into the world years earlier. Another great force they must contend with is the jealousy and suspicion that threatens to tear them apart." -The Covenant's plot according to IMDb.com

This sounds like the pure shit that's on TV on Halloween that forces me to change the channel because there's something scarier on Cartoon Network. The plot for this movie sounds more like Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie than Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie. How many times has this concept been done? Oh wait, it's different because it has pentagrams. My mistake.

4. No direction.

Conflict is good for movies, unless the conflict is that the movie doesn't know it's own genre. Is it supposed to be a thriller, a drama, or a comedy? In one commercial, a character is using his power for the benefit of his dick, and in the next, someone's whining like a pussy because his powers weaken him. Oh fuck, it takes effort to do shit? Cry me a fucking river. You get to use supernatural and/or mysterious powers while the rest of us get jack shit. I feel bad for you.

5. From the producers of Underworld.

I have no idea why anyone would want to take credit for Underworld, but that point aside, they want everyone to know this. Red fucking flag. They're attempting to ride the success of a previously established film. I wonder why the hell they would do that? Because they know that they can't sell The Covenant on it's merits, being as there aren't any.

Take the hints, save your time and money. The Covenant is building up to be the biggest load of explosive diarreah to splatter all over the big screen.

EDIT: The local paper couldn't obtain a review for The Covenant before going to press on Friday morning. What does it tell you when a movie is not made available for review before it's shown to the public? That the producers don't want negative reviews messing with box office sales.

Also, RottenTomatoes.com has so far given The Covenant an average score of 7% from 14 reviews. So if you're an asshole and can't take my word for it, now you know not to see The Covenant.

EDIT: It has since fallen to 2%.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 12:38:03 GMT

Ty Pennington is a Pedophile

One day, as I was passing through Sears, I saw a sign that had a picture of Ty Pennington with a big stupid grin, and I thought to myself, "Here is a man who doesn't care who he molests, as long as they're under the age of 12." Sometimes, you can just tell. In fact, sometimes I go outside just to count the pedophiles. I even keep a tally. Last time I was out, I counted 27 pedophiles. This was out of 27 people seen, which is consistant with the average 1:1 ratio.

Here are a few ways I can tell:

* Anyone who loves their job, especially a customer service job, is a pedophile.
* If you see a kid holding hands with another kid, they're both pedophiles.
* Anyone who listens to rap music with the windows down is likely in the process of groping a child.
* Mailmen are pedophiles.
* Eunuchs wish they were pedophiles. And it's the thought that counts.
* If you're reading this to see whether you'd be on this list, you're a pedophile.
* Anyone who plays with children on a playground is a pedophile, including the children themselves.
* Anyone who is a "child at heart" is a pedophile.
* Goths are pedophiles.
* Anyone who has ever appeared on Trading Spaces is a pedophile.
* Any man who wears a pink shirt is a serious asshole. And a pedophile.
* Anyone who kisses his girlfriend in the most conspicuous place is a pedophile who is compensating.
* Everyone else is a pedophile.
* You're a pedophile.

As you likely already know, pedophilia doesn't require understanding and patience as much as it requires Old-Testament-Style justice. Because I'm the only one in the world who is not a pedophile, I'm suggesting that everyone in the world be put to death except for me.

So hop to it, already.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 18:53:05 GMT

Superman Returns: reviewed by a Cyborg

Last night I went out to see Superman Returns, which was my first mistake in and of itself. Never go to see a movie on opening night. The only way to get the theater to shut the hell up is to end the movie. Worse is the guy sitting next to you who orders the nachos.

Man, the nachos they serve at theaters are repugnant. The way they are soaked in cheese is I guess is to facilitate tray-to-mouth movement by eliminating the need to dip. Instead, you get a soggy mess that you can't hold without getting cheese on your fingers. The only thing nastier than getting nacho cheese from movie theaters on your hands is watching someone lick off the mess. Words fail to capture the sheer volume of grotesque this image forces into your mind and engraves your soul. Turning away from the debacle will only make it worse, as you will not be able to focus on the movie with the incessant crunching. It took everything I had not to punch him in the throat. I had to redirect my anger with a punch to his genitals.

One time I got a tray of nachos for myself, in the hopes of knowing what makes them worth $3.80 plus the hatred of everyone within earshot, which would be the state of Pennsylvania. Fully expecting the equivalent of a 30-second orgasm with every bite, I sat down and proceeded to ruin the movie for everyone. Sadly, I was not so impressed with the chips that got stale under the heating lamp, or the runny cheese flavored with Jalapeno juice. Hoping to salvage the experience, I tried another salt-coated chip, hypothesyzing that, like beer, it was an aquired taste that one could develop by age 3. I had high hopes for the single Jalapeno slice, but even that lost its flavor in the watery cheese.

Returning to the matter at hand, the man with the nachos just didn't get it. I couldn't shut him up. He started wailing like a little bitch (in fact, exactly like a bitch) about his hopes for a family. What the hell was that about? Wasn't he aware that there was a movie playing?

Oh, yeah. I guess I was reviewing a movie. It was cut short when paramedics arrived to take the man away in a stretcher. Worse, the theater didn't even refund my money.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 19:52:30 GMT

Japan Freaks: Putting the "Culture" Into Sub-culture

America is slowly being comsumed by impressionable teens to mid-twenty-somethings who think that buying a 5 dollar box of candy at Suncoast makes them Japanese, irrespective of something called "heritage".

They're easy to identify because they wear unwashed old T-shirts that have video game characters and Japanese symbols. Their entire wardrobes consist of preorder bonuses for videogames, and they change about as often as the latest copy of an anime adaptation that both fails to capture the spirit of the source material and sucks so hard I can feel the breeze here. They can be seen almost exclusively at Suncoast or Borders combing through the anime and manga (and reading through some of it if they spent all their money on Fruits Basket trading cards) unless they're at home, at which point they're constantly logged on to the internet bitching on a message board about how so few Americans are as sophisticated as they are for recognizing the genius of Azumanga Daioh and being able to read comics backward, that is, if they're not fillng their blogs with lyrics to some theme to their favorite anime that's for girls.

They don't do anything else with their lives. They can yammer away for hours about how Dragonball GT ruined the series (unless they're in denial about it) or how unfair it is that Japan gets something that has a cult following even there, leaving us completely unenlightened to the timeless tale of how a girl who goes to school swoons over a man who perpetually wears a tuxedo gains super powers and saves the world from a witch who wears too much eyeliner. You know what? That's an awesome idea for a series. I ought to write that one down, and find a team of exclusively Japanese animators. I'll call it "Sailor Moon". It already exists here, we don't need more crap like it.

Japan freaks will watch the same thing over and over again, and all that needs to be changed is the name of the new anime. Imagine the financial security Japanese animators must feel knowing that legions of idiots in America will watch anything they make.

Japan freaks, if given any wish in the world, would wish to be constantly hooked up to the internet so they can download hentai (their word for porn) so that they can see Yotsuba from Sister Princess in the nude any time they want. Their PC always has at least 3 gigabytes of cartoon characters redrawn in the nude that they found on the internet (Note: Most characters are younger than 18. Much younger.).

Oh yeah, there's one more thing about them that pisses me off all over the place. They have their own language. Or so they think, it's really several Japanese words used in place of the ones that wouldn't get them caned by a WW2 vet. Here are some examples. I've actually used a few in this very article, because I'm an asshole.

Anime = Cartoon
Manga = Comic
Kawaii = Cute
Hentai = Porn

Can you imagine this? Grown men are going around and calling things kawaii.

It's kawaii. It also goes for nearly $100 on eBay.

They also have a habit of liberally interchanging Ls and Rs as they speak, as people who really are Japanese often do. These people are mostly of the reason they dislike foreigners (if a car accident involves a foreigner, it's almost always assumed to be the foreigners fault). Even in Japan they'd be nerds.

Also, Fullmetal Alchemist is boring and overrated.