Larger penis, less time shopping. How to shop like a man.
There's going to be a lot of shopping done in the coming holiday season, which prompts me to suggest a return to fuldamentals. Men shop different from women. But in today's metrosexual world, men forget the basics of being men, and the unwritten rules of manliness have to be written. That's why I write them down myself, that's why I have this site. That's why I pound away at this keyboard, typing from my mind, heart, and mostly with the consultation of my boner.
Men don't like to shop. Men love having things, but the process of obtaining them is taboo. The bottom line is, men want to spend as little time shopping as possible. Men rush into the store and get out of there with what they want wasting little time. Male shopping can only be likened to a commando mission. Get in, complete objective, get the hell out.
Here are some techniques that can help speed up your shopping so you can spend as little time in a store as possible.
1. Shopping lists
The rule for men and shopping lists is simple: There are no shopping lists. Men don't clip coupons. They don't write lists. They don't read catalogues and compare prices. Men make mental notes of what they need. That's all we have to do.
When men have some free time and grudgingly decide to do some shopping, they recall as many items that they've made a mental note of and plan out the shopping day in their heads.
The female method is clearly inferior, with plenty of time wasted writing out lists and carefully planning out the day, clipping coupons and studying. Why do that when you can instead spend a few hours trying to find that missing 0.1% of Dracula's castle you haven't found in the newest Castlevania?
2. Know your layout
Store layouts are designed by marketing teams that obscure what what you truly need with crap that you're systematically tricked into wanting. Higher-profit items are placed in plain sight by an understandably profit-minded store. In spite of this, most department stores have a layout with a similar logic (example: mens, womens, and childrens clothing are typically in the same general area of the store).
A good trick is to note the size of the store as you approach. This should give you a good idea of the store's layout logic. A small outlet store should be easy to navigate. Multi-level department stores may seem intimidating, but typically there are things like televisions, electronics, tools and garden supplies on one floor, and clothing and housewares on another. Just walking in the door, you should immediately have an idea whether what you seek is on your floor, or whether it's time to make a beeline for the escalator, wasting little time.
TIP: The escalator is always preferable to the elevator. The elevator almost always requires you to waste time waiting. Time in transit is preferable to time spent standing still. Undoubtedly, there's something theraputic about watching the scenery change than to just wait for a ride. Also, depending on who else is on the escalator (to get in your way), you can power-walk up or down the escalator, speeding up the transition between floors. Come to think of it, you should always be speed-walking. Poking around is for pussies.
3. Try nothing on.
Nothing. Don't try on clothes, don't bother with the dressing room. You should already know your sizes and measurements. Just get in, get something that matches your tastes and is in your size, pay up, and get out.
If you must know whether an item will fit you, just hold the article of clothing against yourself, unfolded. This simple technique is a lifesaver, and more importantly, a time saver.
You're probably asking, "Then why do men's dressing rooms exist?" In which case, you can give yourself a dumbass award for not figuring it out yourself. If you happen to be a dumbass, I'll spell it out. It's all because of feminists. Feminists are the ultimate contradiction. They want you to feel sorry for them because they were born women, but the moment you give them what they ask for (in this case, a dressing room), they accuse you of being cheauvenist. You just can't make a feminist happy because they love being angry at the phallo-centric patriarchy, so the only thing you can do is pacify them. In this case, it involves installing men's dressing rooms that go completely unused (in an ideal world). The fallacy of the feminist movement is that it demands differential treatment while refusing to allow a man to hold a door open for them. In other words, they want to be treated like women, but they don't want to be treated like women. End result: Women's dressing rooms are installed, and men's dressing rooms are also installed so that they don't feel like they're treated different (even though that's what they ask for).
Feminism should be fought with full-scale war. Appeasement only puts off the inevitable while giving the enemy the advantage it wants. The world has been put on notice.
4. Waste no time paying up
Only speedy methods of payment are preferable. Cash and credit cards do. Checks are for losers. It takes way too much time to write them up, and it takes more time to process them. Even worse, many banks charge a fee for excessive use of checks. Long story short, there's no good reason to pay with checks, especially when credit and debit cards are more convenient and easier to use. Even cash is preferable, it's good everywhere.
Also, if you don't know how to use your credit card with a checkstand, you shouldn't be allowed to shop. You're probably too old anyway.
5. Get the fuck out
More time spent in the store is more time to potentially spend more of your money. Studies show that men like holding onto money, and can show symptoms similar to depression when large amounts of his money disappear at once. This is why suicide rates are so high during the holidays. Women appear immune to this phenomenon, evidenced by their tendency to shop in excess. Though in all fairness, the money they spend is almost never their own.
Men love money, and they love stockpiling money. Money is power. Money is security. He who has more money, has more security. Be a serious asshole when it comes to money. You'll be happier for it.
I'm done with this. Go fuck yourselves. | 
